Believing with all your heart

[Cara-Jean Kitchi]

“The secret to getting away with lying
is believing with all your heart.
That goes for lying to yourself,
even moreso than lying to another.”
- Author Elizabeth Bear.

Cara bit back a whimper as her social worker's fingers dug into her arm as he once again reminded her that what they had spoken about in his office was not to get mentioned to anyone else. She swallowed hard as she nodded her head, her knees almost weak when he finally released her from his vice-like grip, though she locked them up so that she could at least keep a little dignity... or at least as much as she could thinking of where she had been for the past few hours.

She remained where he left her as he drove away, and only once the tail lights faded into the darkness that now surrounded her did she actually look around. He had dropped her at the darkest edge of the parking area and she wrapped her arms around her stomach, ignoring the cool air on her bare arms, just thankful that the evening's outfit had included tights, and made her way toward Blue House. She knew that the main thing she had to worry about was that he had dropped her off after curfew and she was going to get into trouble... at least more trouble than what was going to face her for skipping gymnastics that afternoon.

Entering Blue House, she kicked off the strappy shoes that she was wearing - completely inappropriate for the time of the year - and ignored how wet and cold her feet were from walking on the grass. She hoped that for how late it seemed - even though it wasn't that late and a Friday night - she made her way to the common room, she was feeling a little light-headed and knew that there was a fruit bowl in the common room, a small banana would tide her over until the morning and she would burn the seventy-three calories off while heading up the stairs to her room.

[Martijn van der Berg]

Martijn left the computer center, printed sheets of paper in hand. Some of them were dressage tests, ready to be marked up with his own notes and such. Others were diagrams of the dressage arena, to help him track what in the world he was expected to do during the aforementioned tests.

As he glanced at his watch, he realized how close he had come to breaking curfew, and he hurried back to his dorm, slipping inside only a minute past. Well, luckily no one had seen him, it seemed. He wasn't sure how serious the curfew here was, but he didn't want to be locked out of his dorm or anything.

Or did he? Martijn considered the occurrence as he made his way up the stairs, realizing that he wouldn't really mind. He'd probably be able to sneak into the barn and crash in one of the Frisians' stalls, since they were turned out for the night. But that might not be the most productive start to his day. No, better not to miss curfew if he could avoid it.

After he'd retrieved his backpack, laptop, and Eir, who insisted on joining him, Martijn made his way back down the stairs to the common room, where he turned on the lights at one of the study tables and spread out the tests and diagrams, before setting up his laptop for reference in case he had any questions.

As he started examining the first test, a supposedly simple one, the easiest level that there was, he began drawing out the lines that the horse would follow, before he hit a snag. “What in the world is a working trot?” He asked the question aloud, thinking he had the room to himself, then reached out to look it up on the all-knowing search engine website.

[Cara-Jean Kitchi]

So lost in her own world, Cara hadn't even noticed the arrival of another person as she looked through the fruit bowl, handling each piece of fruit carefully, until she had found the smallest banana possible and began to peel it as she bent to take a bottle of water from the refrigerator.

She was reliving the past few hours through her head again, trying to work out where she had gone so wrong with what she had been asked to do, what could she have done differently to have made him happier with her. She closed her eyes, wondering if she could change the memories by just believing that things happened differently. However, if that were possible, she may as well believe in fairy tales.

She spun around, clutching the bottle and banana to her chest, holding back the urge to scream as a male voice sounded from across the room. "A working trot is a fancy name for the trot. The horse should be properly balanced and remain on the bit. The horse should go forward with regular, elastic, and cadenced strides with good hock action." Her eyes widened in horror as the words just flowed from her mouth and she wished more than anything that she could take them back.

[Martijn van der Berg]

Martijn listened to the answer given by the random voice, writing down what had been said, “Thank you. Why do they insist on making things so complicated?” A moment later, he stopped to think. He hadn't noticed a person around. How did he manage to miss that? And why did the voice sound familiar? He turned around in his chair, his eyes casing the room, and he spotted Cara almost immediately now that he was looking for her... And she seemed just as shocked to see him.

His face flaming, he glanced away, “I'm sorry. I didn't realize anyone was here.” He realized what a basic question he'd asked, and felt all the more embarrassed for it. Not only had he probably managed to startle Cara, but now she knew just how hopeless he was at dressage terminology... What if she told someone? Could they kick him out of the school because he knew quite literally nothing?

Trying to hide his fear, he asked, “Are you having a good evening?” He would have preferred to turn back to his work, but the situation seemed like it would require some glossing over. Maybe he could distract Cara from the question that she'd had to answer for him.

[Cara-Jean Kitchi]

"Because it keeps the people who aren't serious about the sport from wanting to try." Her eyebrows flew up as the words just poured out of her mouth again. She leaned back against the bench, her heart racing and she seemed to be struggling for breath as the room seemed to slip in and out of focus. She'd never suffered a panic attack before, but she had the feeling she was pretty close to doing it now.

She forced herself to pull it together. Breathe in through the nose, out through the mouth, and repeat until calm She chanted silently, she felt the normal feeling of apathy descending upon her again and her breathing grew steady. Blinking, the room seemed to settle back into focus, though she still felt pretty lightheaded. "I am sorry, I did not mean to intrude." She replied.

She bit down on her lip at his next question, once again the thought of Mr Andrews having spies within the school filled her with the icy grip of terror, and she knew that the answer she gave Martijn could possibly put her in a hole she wouldn't have any hope of digging herself out of. She focused on her breathing once again as she forced herself to just work with the script... She opened her mouth and closed it again as doubt filled her. "Yes, thank you, Sir." She regretted the honorific as soon as it had slipped out, as he had already told her not to address him with it, and she pulled back ever so slightly even though there was the entire common room that separated them.

[Martijn van der Berg]

Martijn stilled as he heard her explanation for the difficulty of dressage. Was she trying to imply that he shouldn't even bother? He couldn't really claim to be serious about it, not even knowing these things. The more he learned about the sport, the more complicated it seemed, and he worried that he might just be wasting his time, coming here. Wouldn't it have been better to just find a place where he could keep his horses after they'd moved, rather than trying to turn himself, and them, into something they weren't?

After he'd managed to pull himself out of his own thoughts, he realized that apparently Cara wasn't doing too well either. He frowned, considering leaving her, as he was obviously making her uncomfortable, but at the same time, what if she keeled over? He didn't want her to hurt herself, and not have any help, just because he wanted to escape from the situation. It just got weird, every time he spent time with her.

She seemed to steady, and apologized for... something. Who knew what. “It's not a bother at all, I promise.” She actually seemed like an interesting person, if he could ever manage not to be an idiot and scare her. Why was she so scared, anyway? Perhaps, one day, Martijn would find out. She responded to his other question, and Martijn smiled, “That's nice.” He couldn't help but notice the motion away from him, and made his decision, “I'm just holding you up from what you had planned, I can go and study in my room.” He butted the papers together before laying them onto the keyboard of his laptop, “Thank you again for your help. I'm sorry for disturbing you.”

[Cara-Jean Kitchi]

Cara's eyes widened as she caught on to the fact that he was about to leave."No!" She gasped, and then wished she hadn't as it had sped her heart up and sent the room closing in around her again. She blinked rapidly, swallowed and continued in a slightly calmer voice. "Please, don't leave on my account." She held up her hands. "I honestly just came in for a banana and some water. I didn't mean to disrupt your work. I swear."

She blew out a breath as she wrapped her arms around her stomach as the stress she felt rapidly turned into nausea. Her reaction to stress was a little concerning, thinking of how little she ate and never really had anything to throw up, and it was only her sheer determination that allowed her to remain in the saddle at shows.

Cara closed her eyes against the pounding in her head and as she opened them, she placed the bottle of water on the bench and peeled the skin of her miniature fruit. Dropping the peel into the compost bin, she looked at the fruit she was now holding, not being able to stop her nose from curling in distaste, but she knew that she had to eat it. It's only seventy-three calories. She said silently as she bit into it and ordered herself not to gag as she stood side on to the bench so that she hadn't completely turned her back on Martijn but she wasn't facing him while she at the fruit either.

[Martijn van der Berg]

Martijn was surprised at the insistence in her voice, “Okay, I guess I won't?” He wasn't sure exactly what Cara wanted, but he was concerned about her... And if she didn't want him leaving, then he wouldn't. Who knew why, but he had offered, and she had refused. “You weren't disrupting anything. I was just trying to make sense of some of these tests.”

He turned back to his computer, shifting the papers away from his keyboard once more and picking up the test he had been examining. The rest of the test seemed pretty self-explanatory, which was nice. After all, it was only the introductory level tests that he was looking at. If he had trouble with those, then he really should maybe look at another sport... Although he didn't know what Ritske would think of jumping. Sybren might even be up for it, although he knew that neither of them would ever be show jumpers.

He shifted his chair so that he wasn't turned away from Cara, then looked back at his tests, “You seem to be pretty good at dressage, at least, far better than I. Do you have any advice for someone just starting out?” There, he'd admitted it.

[Cara-Jean Kitchi]

Unable to eat the entire banana, she dropped a quarter of it into the bin and swallowed a drink of water from the bottle. Her head still felt light, and she wondered if she should have eaten a mandarin; only half the calories of the banana, less carbs, pretty much less everything, and just a little more sugar, the sugar would probably help with her head though.

She couldn't help the short laugh she gave at his compliment and then closed her eyes as she shook her head. "Sorry, I know someone who would disagree." She replied softly. Her tongue showed between her teeth as she thought over his question. "Don't over-read the tests?" She suggested with a shrug.

She'd had the riding disciplines she did thrust upon her and she had no say in what she did, and being 'pretty good' at them was more of a survival mechanism than her wanting to do it. And her having a supposed talent in riding just seemed like icing on the cake, and the fact that it gave her an excuse to escape turned it into a passion. Horses gave her a world where she could hide from the life she floated through.

She shook her head again to clear it, knowing that she hadn't answered his question properly. Do you like dancing, Martjin?" She shrugged at the cryptic question before she continued. Dressage is similar to ballet pas de deux, in which you perform steps together. She drew in a shuddering breath and blew it out slowly, talking wasn't one of her strong points, and she still didn't know the other student very well, least of all to say she trusted him. "My advice, to someone just starting out? Find a test designed for young horses, which won't have anything that you shouldn't be able to handle it. Ride through the test, don't focus on perfection, and it will give you the areas you need to work on." She closed her eyes again, her head felt so light that she was surprised she wasn't levitating.

[Martijn van der Berg]

Martijn chuckled at her first suggestion, "I suppose that would help." He couldn't help himself, though. Sure, once he was comfortable with the idea of tests, he could see that... But he didn't even have the background to picture what he was supposed to be doing.

Asked if he danced, Martijn shook his head, but listened to Cara's explanation anyway. However, as he heard her advice, he nodded. "I guess I'll just do that." The tests he was looking at were all for beginner horses, younger horses, as it were, and so, hopefully would work for that. He would just have to actually go and ride them, instead of freaking himself out over it.

Shaking his head, he shut his laptop again, pushing away the papers, then turned to Cara. She seemed ill at ease, and he tried to lighten the mood by turning the talk away from the present, "What was the horse that you learned to ride on like?" Most somewhat fondly remembered those times, even if it was the cantankerous school-master pony that hated everyone. Those always seemed to find themselves the most embedded in their student's hearts. Martijn couldn't claim anything like that, but he'd heard it from plenty of friends.

[Cara-Jean Kitchi]

"Y-you could always ask Ms Carr, the White Oak manager if she could watch you ride through a test. Have someone instructing you from the middle of the arena." It wasn't her thing to just offer advice, but it had seemed like good advice to give him, and she had learned from having someone screaming out all of her deficiencies while she rode.

She bit back a yawn and a smile flickered across her lips at his question. "The pony I learned to ride on was a bratty Welsh Mountain Pony. She knew her job and I am sure would happily teach children to ride without the need of a human instructor, but she also knew every trick in the book to try and get out of doing any real work." A smile turned up one corner of her lips. "Once she felt that she'd worked enough, she would sit down and that was it." Her first lessons in riding had also shown her that people could be as cruel to animals as they were to other people, mostly her anyway, as there had been a day that her instructor had chased little Willow around the arena with a dressage whip, striking the little pony every time she slow down, even when she tripped over her reins.

"Why are you so focused on dressage when it confuses you so much?" She pressed her lips together as soon as the question had left her lips and she shook her head. "I am sorry, that was rude of me." She said quickly. "What of the first horse you rode, or drove?" She hoped that the second question would make up for the first.

[Martijn van der Berg]

Martijn nodded as Cara suggested asking Ms. Carr to watch him riding. He had had some limited interactions with the woman, although he worked in the opposite barn from her. She would almost certainly give him good feedback. "I don't know if she has time, but I can certainly ask her. Thank you for the idea." Mr. Setliff was great at managing people, but there were still instances where the man didn't know the intricacies of managing a barn. Add that to the overall situation on campus, and he wouldn't be surprised if the woman asked him to take a rain check.

As Cara began opening up about the pony she had learned to ride on, Martijn was surprised, but pleasantly so. He listened as she spoke about the pony, almost able to see the creature. He chuckled as she told him of the mare's attempt to get out of work, "That sounds like it'd spell the end of the lesson, I agree." He smiled, "May I ask how long you've been riding?"

As Cara asked about his reasons for following dressage, Martijn bit the inside of his cheek, only for Cara to change her question. Taking a deep breath, Martijn shrugged, "It's really okay, it's a natural question to ask." He thought for a moment, then leaned forward in his chair, almost hunching over slightly, "I can't go back to driving, now or maybe ever, but at the same time, I can't let go of my horses. My mom sold the farm that I grew up on, and she wanted to sell all of the horses." He frowned, "I guess it was the first thing I could think of, since some of our horses have gone on to compete decently at it." He shrugged, "I needed a way to keep them. And if the only option I have is dressage, I guess dressage it'll be."

He quieted, realizing how much he'd spoken about his own story, and shook his head, "I don't know if that even makes sense, and I'm sorry for talking your ear off." Forcing a chuckle and a smile, he went on to Cara's second question, "I learned to ride on the old lady of our farm, a Frisian, of course. She had a been-there, done-that attitude, for both driving and having a kid thrown onto her back."

[Cara-Jean Kitchi]

The words were on the tip of her tongue to offer to spot... no that was the wrong word for horse riding, watch him working through his dressage and offer some tips if he needed them. Though the fact that she was a freshman stopped her from saying anything.

She gave a genuine smile at the comment about the pony ending the lesson. "She was a great teacher though, and I wouldn't swap her for any other pony at the riding school." She said. She shrugged at his next question, "Coming up ten years, sir." It was hard to believe that she had been riding for almost an entire decade, her eyes widened as she realised what she had said and she worried her bottom lip with her teeth. "Sorry, it just slips out."

Her heart rate had finally slowed down and her tunnel vision was expanding a little, though her full peripheral vision hadn't fully returned yet. She shook she head slightly to try and clear it as the minimal sugar in the banana began to seep into her system.

She listened to Martijn's tale, unsure of what to say. She could be sympathetic, but he hardly seemed to want sympathy, and she didn't want to come off as pitying him. And other than driving, dressage was the other thing Friesian horses were known for.

She shook her head at his apology. You have nothing to be sorry for." She told him. "I asked. Do they enjoy it?" She asked, as that was generally the first thing when trying something new.

She nodded at the information about the mare he'd learned to ride on. There was always something about older horses that made them the best teachers.

[Martijn van der Berg]

Martijn smiled as he heard the girl's opinion of her 'teacher'. That happened, he felt. One would grow attached to the first horse, first anything, really. As he heard how long she'd been riding, Martijn nodded, almost missing the honorific until she apologized for it. He shrugged, feeling that bugging her about it would only make matters worse, "Ten years. English all of that time?" It sounded like it, a guess aided by the girl's accent. He didn't even know how long he'd been riding... Just that he had started sometime, and plodding around on the trails was natural to him. Fancy dressage? Not so much.

He nodded as she asked about the horses, "I think they do. They seem slightly confused as to why I'm never putting on their traces anymore, but... They don't seem to mind saddles either, I think. And we're starting to figure it out slowly." He was finally learning to ask the right things, that was. They knew what he was up to, "Sometimes I wonder if they would be happier being driven, and then I feel selfish, because I can't give that to them." He covered his mouth, realizing how much had slipped out of his own insecurities, "They enjoyed trail rides, I guess I just have to make dressage fun for them."

Eager to turn the attention away from himself, he cast about for other things that he could ask about, "Do you still work with Ember?"

[Cara-Jean Kitchi]

Cara nodded her head. "Western riding is sloppy and uncouth." She said exaggerating her clipped English accent and giving a very rare smile and then shrugged as the smile vanished. "I never really had a choice."

She nodded as she listened to him talking about his horses; who she could actually empathize with, as she was used to training more than what she did here. days off in England only happened if the coach wasn't available and he couldn't find a replacement for himself. The gym never functioned a person less. She bit down on her lip as it became obvious that Martjin had felt that he had said too much. She licked her lips and gave another tiny smile. "I've always found that a happy horse is a healthy horse."She said.

She nodded when asked of she still rode Ember. "I ride her when Ms Carr asks me to." She replied, as she didn't think that she would be able to ride the mare whenever she liked since she didn't work in the barns and she had been assigned to another pony, and it wasn't in her nature to ask if she could do something for herself. Yes, it would be for the benefit of the pony, but it would still be for her. "Is there a problem with her?"