Anger and Pain

[Cara-Jean Kitchi]

“Where there is anger,
there is always
pain underneath.”
- Eckhart Tolle

Cara was feeling a little out of sorts, which was situation normal for the aftermath of her meetings with the therapists. It seemed that no matter how much time passed, the were more invested in getting her to talk about the skeletons in her closet, and she didn't have the courage to tell the women exactly what hashing out these things was doing to her.

While she knew that she should be in the cafeteria, food was the last thing on her mind, and instead, she was sitting in the feed room stuffing haynets. Yes, she was burning calories that she probably didn't have to burn, but physical activity was her way of dealing with things, and she knew that going for a run would do nothing other than get her in trouble, so she was doing something to be helpful, and the more hay she stuffed into the nets, she could feel the tension slowly easing out of her shoulders.

[Ailsa MacLeary]

Ailsa sighed, perhaps a bit heavily, as she snapped Oscar into the cross ties. The spotted gelding had barely broken a sweat in their lunging exercise. She'd put he and herself through the same old pointless ritual; green saddle pad, sheepskin, brown leather all-purpose saddle, green leg wraps, black bell boots. But she left the green rope halter on. She could have ridden him if she wanted to, even with just the halter. But she hadn't. Of course. It was such a waste of time. She untacked him. As she did, he shook his coat, as if the workout had been so tiring. She rolled her eyes at him.

Then she walked - limped - to the tack room to put everything away and grab the sweat scraper. As she did, she noticed the girl, a student, putting hay in the nets. Helpful, sure, but wasn't it lunch time? Ailsa didn't ask. She just put her things away and returned to the cross ties to scrape Oscar off. Once the gelding was clean and put in his box, she went over to the feed room, to check on the student. She knocked lightly.

"Thanks for getting the hay ready, hon. Mind if I join you?"

[Cara-Jean Kitchi]

Cara was sol lost in her thoughts that nothing existed beyond her and the nets she was filling, which a little voice in her head was telling her was a mistake, as she should always be aware of her surroundings, always be ready for anything. However, she ignored the voice and just continued with what she was doing, using the physical work to work her way through her thoughts and feeling.

A knock on the door-frame registered somewhere in the background as she moved onto the next net as she threw the one she had just finished into the pile she had created. She leapt into the ear as a voice spoke and she quickly shook her head to try and regain some of her composure. "O...of... of course, Ma'am." She said before she pressed her lips together, furious with herself for not being more aware of her surroundings as she shoved hay into the net.

[Ailsa MacLeary]

Ailsa walked into the feed room and started gathering some nets up. "I suppose you're having a bad day." she said, just to break the silence. "I figure you don't want to talk about it." She handed her a bag as she tried remembering her name. She was in her class, she remembered that. She was better at last names than first names. It started with a K. Or a C. It made a "k" sound. The thing was, that went for her first name and her last name.

[Cara-Jean Kitchi]

Cara closed her eyes against the pounding in her temples and blew out a breath, knowing that she was going to be a complete waste of space for the rest of the day if she couldn't get herself to release the tension. "Just a bad couple of hours, Ma'am." She replied and pressed her lips together with the shake of her head to the next statement as she continued stuffing hay into haynets. She released her lips. "I like to do... things when sorting through my thoughts, and pacing doesn't do it for me."

Her eyebrows shot up when she realised there wasn't another empty net for her to fill and it took all her inner-strength to not throw the net she had just filled against the wall, instead, she blew out a rush of breath. That little voice in her head reminded her she needed to eat something, but she was too fidgety to be able sit still. After all, she hadn't exactly been sitting still in here.

[Ailsa MacLeary]

"Well, whatever you have to do." she said holding out another net for... Cara. That was her name. She'd been quiet in class. Almost silent, really, so Ailsa had a feeling that something was going on with her. Probably something that she'd been going through for a long time.

She remembered how she'd felt a few years ago when she woke up missing her leg. It took her a long time to recover. Whatever had happened to Cara, it must have either been recent or way worse than just the loss of a limb.

"Your horse is in this barn, right? Or, I believe you have more than one?"

[Cara-Jean Kitchi]

Cara caught her lower lip between her teeth as she wondered how many calories she had just burned off, the dampness at her hairline told her that she'd built up some heat, but she simply shrugged it off. She burned calories from just walking across a room, it was something the body just did.

She glanced toward the woman, wondering where this line of conversation was going. "Ponies." She replied, though she knew that she was now arguing semantics and wondered why she had to do that. "I have two ponies in the barn. A Welsh gelding, Tex, and Pyre, a Merens mare." She had nothing against horses, just that she looked a little daft on them. "If I'm not mistake, you have the Knabstrupper gelding a few stalls down from Tex."

[Ailsa MacLeary]

She smiled. "And lovely ponies, they are. They're both flashy, but I have to admit, Tex did catch my eye." She nodded, pleased that Cara knew that Oscar was hers. "Yes, that's Oscar. He's gotten so bored lately, I think the change has been good for him." There wasn't any point in complaining about her leg, so she didn't. Instead, she thought about what to say next. "Anyway, I'm sure they'll enjoy this hay you're getting ready for them."

[Cara-Jean Kitchi]

Cara gave the woman a smile in response to the complement toward the Welsh Pony. "Thank you." His flashy looks may have had something to do with why he was bought for her, though it was mostly because of his training, and it still made her ill to think that the only reason they had turned up here was because Andrews was sure that they would win.

She mentally shook her head as she listened to what the woman was saying about her own horse. "Equines like routines... well, all animals really... Once he has the new routine established, he will find his stride here." She licked her lips before continuing. "You may have been told, but there are horses in Pasture Three that pretty much live out year round if you want to know of a pasture you could turn him out in, that is mostly occupied." She gave herself a mental pat on the back for getting that many words out without the need of prompting.

She arched an eyebrow at the mention of the hay, and that voice in her head queried if the woman was in her to spy on her, but she pushed it away with a shrug. "It was physical work, and I can honestly tell my therapists that I didn't go for a run." That had been one of the latest things they had come down on, that she normally went for a run after their sessions.

[Ailsa MacLeary]

"Thank you, that's good to know. I like having him in a box, though, with all the white on his coat. On the other hand... Are there rules against night turnout?" She could turn Oscar out at night to graze, and then fetch him in the early morning for grooming and to return to his box. And then she could lunge him in the afternoon after class. Maybe, eventually, she'd get around to riding him again.

At the mention of physical work, Ailsa had to chuckle. "Well, I can back you up on that. After all, if you're with me, you're definitely not running." she stuck her prosthetic out to make her point and then returned to filling a net.

[Cara-Jean Kitchi]

Cara shook her head. "No Ma'am, there are no rules about night turn out. during the warmer months, my two spend the nights outside, as do quite a few others. And as I said, there are a few that live out full time." Of course, there were the few horses that couldn't be left out due to them jumping fences, but that was something else all together.

Cara arched her eyebrows in response to the woman's chuckle, trying to work out what she had said that was funny, but shrugged it off as she bowed her head in thanks, not that she thought that anyone would actually ask of her whereabouts. "Thank you." She said, though she had a feeling she'd go for a run later. "Are... are, you enjoying your time here?" She asked, and then pressed her lips together as she knew her words had come out wrong.

[Ailsa MacLeary]

"Good, good. Oscar doesn't get as much exercise as he should. Turnout would suit him just fine." She paused and sighed. It was her fault he hadn't gotten his exercise. It probably would have been better just to sell him to someone with all four limbs, but she couldn't bring herself to do it.

Still, she smiled at Cara. "I am, thank you. It's nice to have this job. Otherwise, I don't know what I'd do."

[Cara-Jean Kitchi]

Cara's brow furrowed in confusion at the woman's words. "You don't ride?" The question was about as blunt as she got, and she lowered her head even more as soon as the words were out of her mouth, as she knew better than asking an adult such a personal question and a shiver ran through her as she braced herself for whatever reprimand she was sure that she was about to get. "Sorry." The apology escaped her on a barely audible breath.

[Ailsa MacLeary]

Ailsa smiled. She wasn't a bit offended by Cara's question. She was used to all the questions by now. She doubted any of her students could surprise her with a new one. "No, don't apologize. I've been able to ride a little since the accident, but I don't quite have my confidence back." She sighed. It was harder than she thought, getting back in the saddle.

[Cara-Jean Kitchi]

Cara relaxed when the woman brushed off her blunt question and apology alike, thoug frowned in thought. She couldn't begin to imagine what she would do if she couldn't ride. With everything else, horses had been her escape, the time that she could forget about the rest of the universe and there was nothing but her and the horse she was riding.

She drew in a deep breath before releasing it again. "You should talk with Ms Carr." She said hesitantly. "If you are in need of confidence in the saddle, there are a number of horses here, even a therapy one, who would love to help you acquire that confidence." She gave the woman a smile. "Your Oscar will think no less of you because you can't do everything as you did before, and he will happily adapt what he does to fit in with what you can do, if you give him the chance." She pressed her lips together, realising that she suddenly sounded like one of the therapists she went to see... maybe they were rubbing off on her, just not in the way they wanted. "Sorry, I shouldn't have said that."