The Capacity to be Greater than our Suffering

[Cara-Jean Kitchi]

“The most authentic thing about us
is our capacity to create,
to overcome, to endure,
to transform, to love,
and to be greater than
our suffering.”
– Ben Okri

Cara stepped out of the taxi and ran into the Red Willow barn. She had just got back from one of her many weekly visits to see her wonderful team of therapists. She clenched her teeth as she pressed her lips together and hurried down to the tack room. Yes, she was dressed in a very tidy pantsuit and pretty shoes, but she had all her riding clothes in her locker, and right now, she just wanted to be on the back of a horse, or pony in her case, and be as far away from other people as possible. The thought of the fact that she might encounter another person on the trails hadn't crossed her mind.

After a quick change, yes in the tack room since she had a leotard under the clothes she was wearing, she looked around the tack room, she grabbed Ember's gear and walked down to the mare's stall. She knew that the Welsh cross could be anything but nice at the best of times, but she knew the mare more than she knew her own ponies and her head was running around in too many circles right now to ride a pony she didn't completely trust.

Before entering the mare's stall, she took a moment to centre herself and shook the negativity off her before she grabbed the orange-red head collar and lead and entered the stall. She took her time grooming the pretty silver dun mare and then took as much time getting the tack in place and led her out of the stall before she put the mare's all-purpose boots on, fastened her helmet under her chin and led the pretty pony from the barn.

After vaulting into the saddle, she wrapped her arms around her ribs and closed her eyes as her heart raced. She nodded her head as she remembered the words of her cardiologist, when the woman said that she would need to slow down. Straightening up she circled her shoulders and squeezed the mare forward. Rather than setting the mare off by looping around the carpark and going near the arenas, she rode across the empty parking lot and followed the trail that would take them to the Rocky Ridge trails.

With the weather cooling down, and her dressed like she was in the middle of a blizzard, she was hoping that less people would be on the more advanced trail and ti would giver her a chance to just escape for a while. Not that there was any chance of escaping her thoughts though.

She went to see her team of therapists three times a week, that was the decision they had made when she had begged to remain as an outpatient, thankfully something the judge had agreed with, and while she was still afraid to sleep, she was no longer so certain that she didn't want to wake up and find that the past two and a half months had been a dream. She used her seat and legs to encourage the pony to leave the path they were following and move onto another trail, knowing that her thoughts weren't healthy, but she was beginning to ask that what if question. And the trail they turned onto opened from the trees and the wind cut into the skin on her face, but she didn't turn back into the shelter that the trees had offered.

Bridging her reins, she turned her thoughts back to the meeting that day, keeping them as far away from Tony Andrews as she could, the psychotherapist had said that as long as she kept eating her six meals a day and kept up with the food journal, and had it signed every night, she was on the track to a full recovery - that is once the team had worked out whether she was anorexic or bulimic as her throwing up as a reaction from anxiety attacks had kind of thrown them off a little. She had since been prescribed something for her anxiety, but she refused to use them - even with her being off the team, her career as an elite gymnast could be over if she took the wrong medication.

Her thoughts were interrupted as Ember snatched at the bit and she shook her head with an apologetic smile as she rubbed the pony's neck. "Je suis encore là, mon petit." She said. She knew that the one thing that would never change, she didn't think she would ever speak above a whisper, after fourteen years of conditioning, she had a feeling that some things would be ingrained so deeply, that they were now just part of who she was.

[Abigail Sorenson-Faulkner]

So, maybe cuteness was a terrible way to decide which horse to ride and maybe it was slanted unfairly in favor of ponies, but Gail frankly didn't care. She wanted to save Rabbit for a good hack in the arena later and for now, just wanted to explore the trails. If this was a cartoon, she could imagine little hearts coming out of her eyes as soon as she saw the little Welara. Grooming and tacking was a breeze to which Gail credited her childhood of trying to ride eight or more horses in an afternoon and still having homework to do for the next morning. She did her best to remember how to get onto the various trails and felt pretty confident while she was mounting up.

Gail used the time between mounting up at the barn to the start of the trails to get acquainted with the pony cross. Brakes and gas worked just fine along with steering. This could be nice--a leisurely trail ride on a pony she knew nothing about. At the first fork in the trail, Gail's mind went blank. Was it right or left? She stared dumbly for several moments at the diverging paths arguing passionately about the correct direction with herself. Her thoughts were interrupted by the mare suddenly going airborne. That was new.

She decided to take the right hand trail and nudged Kit into a steady trot to the cover of trees. There were no more attempts to be fox-like with random jumping, and Kit felt calm. Hopefully the wooded area wouldn't offer too many scares. Kit proved to be an easy ride, and Gail's mind wandered beyond the usual immediate concerns in life. She wondered how Jack was getting on with his new owners. She hadn't seen his name lately in the news, but the people she sold him to said they were looking for a competitive jumper to show.
Maybe he was living with someone else in happy retirement. Gail tried not to think of the worst scenario. Her old barn was still in operation, and its riders were still performing admirably on the circuits.

As the tree cover broke, Gail noticed another rider up ahead. She squinted against the wind and shivered. The girl looked tiny even on a smaller mount. Think horses, no zebras. Someone that small was probably a student and not a faculty member with dwarfism. She trotted up behind Cara concerned that she was riding solo.

"Hey!"

She kept her voice level and just loud enough to be heard over the wind. Spooking a horse and rider would certainly be a bad way to start her career here. Gail rode up alongside Cara, slowing Kit to an even paced walk.

"Are you alright? It's a bit dangerous to ride by yourself."

Like a devoted hen, Gail watched Cara with worried eyes and a tone of genuine concern. Even though she had to look down on the girl, it wasn't nearly as exaggerated as if she had been riding a full sized horse. She smiled in an effort to be friendly and seem approachable.

[Cara-Jean Kitchi]

While she had tried to argue the fact, with herself anyway, she knew that she acted the way she did because that was how she had been trained, or conditioned if you would rather, what she had yet to work out was if there was a way to... What? Uncondition? Recondition? What would be the term. And could it be done when she had acted the way she did for her entire, remembered, life.

As the trail opened up a little, she decided to clear her mind for a while and squeezed the mare into a trot and then a canter as they followed the ridge for a while. She rubbed the mare's neck as she threw in a spirited buck and then asked her to slow down as the trail began to narrow again and travelling at speed was no longer safe. She leaned forward and hugged the mare's neck.

Straightening up again she sat tall as she turned her face into the biting wind and closed her eyes as it washed over and went through her, bringing tears to her eyes from the bite of it. She shook her head as she tried to focus on the trail ahead of her. She had come out here to get away from everything, not allow her thoughts to remain in the doctors' office, though technically speaking, she had been in a therapy room, not an office, but that was just a technicality, the women she had been to see had both been doctors.

She felt the mare beneath her suddenly tense up and then the girl flinched heard the voice of another person. She closed her eyes as she breathed in and out, while she knew that she was likely to encounter another rider, she really hadn't expected that other rider to be an adult.

She bridged the reins as the other rider approached, just to keep Ember from sidestepping in the wrong direction, at least she didn't have to worry about her mount kicking out at the other mount. She tensed up as the other person was riding next to them, and she didn't look toward the woman, though she knew the mare she was riding well, as Kit had been the pony she had been assigned to when she had joined the academy and had ridden until her fateful fall in the hunter ring during the summer show, and shortly after that, her own ponies had suddenly appeared. A gift from her enraged social worker who hated the fact that she had been stupid enough to be eliminated from a class.

A slight frown creased her forehead at the question and then the statement, though her face went blank again before her frown could be interpreted as anything other than in thought. "I'm fine." Her whisper soft answer was a rehearsed line, the standard one to give when asked about how she was feeling, no matter how much pain she was in - physically or emotionally - though she did find the statement about it not being safe out here on her own a little contradictory as she knew these trails like the back of her hand, as well as the mare she was riding, while the woman was obviously new on campus and was riding a pony she didn't know. However, her thoughts on the matter would remain that, thoughts, and her impassive face was unreadable as she bowed her head submissively, awaiting any reprimand that was to come her way.

[Abigail Sorenson-Faulkner]

Gail wasn't surprised that Cara gave a stock answer. Though, she wasn't the best at reading people. Horses she could read clear as a billboard. She noticed the whispered response, but chalked it up to shyness, or maybe it was just her hearing.

What didn't go amiss was the girl's apparent submissiveness. Gail honestly wasn't sure whether to take that as a sign of her not wanting to interact with anyone from shyness or what. She pressed her lips unsure of what to make of Cara's behavior. Rod was much better at reading people and even took some psychology classes as part of his studies.

"You're not in trouble, I promise. My apologies if it sounded like I was accusing you of doing something wrong."

She considered trying something else. Pretty much everyone here was horse crazy, and most people liked talking about the things they loved. She was seriously winging it here, but she was a riding instructor, not a psychologist.

"So, which discipline do you do?"

Gail made sure to keep most of her attention on Kit. Distracted riding at close quarters was a bad idea in general. Kit was a new mount to her, and they were still figuring each other out. Even with the fancy show horses she rode as a girl, riding took up all her energy and concentration. She was the sort of person who would forget to drink plenty of water in warm weather if her trainer wasn't constantly thrusting little Dixie cups at her.

As an extrovert, silence always made her a little antsy. Her husband was content to read a book for hours without making a sound, but Gail enjoyed interacting with people. It was a bit obvious that Cara did not share her love of small talk, so Gail forced herself to not fire off on long-winded monologues to break the silence.

[Cara-Jean Kitchi]

Cara worried her bottom lip with her teeth, but stopped when she could taste the metallic flavour of blood and quickly sucked her lip into her mouth. She could feel herself shaking, but she hoped it wasn't too obvious, or that it could at least be passed off as being cold. She was careful to make sure that her hands remained soft on the reins as the last thing she needed was for Ember to take offense in being reprimanded when she didn't deserve it, and rightly so.

She shook her head at the woman's apology, though even after licking her lips, she couldn't think of what to say in reply, so she did what she did best, remaining silent.

She looked up at the question, her grey-yellow eyes turning toward the woman before she looked to the front again, focusing her gaze between the mare's ears. "I...I am trained intrinsically in show jumping and dressage, ma'am." She replied with a small shrug. "Although, I will ride whatever discipline I am pointed at." While she didn't like it, she'd been thrown into a western saddle a couple of times in the past and while she'd done alright, she hadn't received the same feeling of accomplishment that she normally got after a ride. The stirrups had been too long, the seat too deep. All in all, she wasn't comfortable, and it made her wonder if she should be taking western lessons just in case she would be required to ride in a western saddle at some point in her future. And she was still having her doubts about how stable her future was.

She quickly pressed her lips together as she realised that common conversation etiquette would now mean that she should be asking a question of the woman riding beside her, though she felt herself trapped as she wasn't allowed to question adults, ever. She could feel her heart speed up slightly as her stomach tightened, but she quickly shook the feeling away, this would not be the best way to show that she was completely capable of being out riding alone. "May I ask the same of you?" She finally managed.

[Abigail Sorenson-Faulkner]

Seeing the tiny girl shaking didn't arouse any suspicion in Gail. She looked like she barely had any insulation. Rod would have picked up on the difference between nervous shaking and just being cold, but Gail could never see the difference.

"You speak very well for someone your age. You're really mature."

A few seconds later, Gail realized that she was saying the first thing that came to mind. It was meant to be a compliment, and Gail assumed most riders tended to be more on the mature side. Working with horses involved a lot of responsibility and respect. Besides, she knew what some of the non-riding siblings could be like. More than one kid had chased the barn cats down the aisle despite being told not to run.

"Hunters and jumpers. Are you taking show jumping as a class?"

So, it was a stupid question. This was a riding academy with a reputation of training the future champions. Of course anyone who rode jumpers before would continue.

"I'm Mrs. Sorenson-Faulkner. I'll be teaching the hunter and show jumping classes next semester."

Gail offered a pleasant smile, trying to not appear too intimidating. It was probably a little weird to meet with a teacher in such an informal setting. And after going as Gail or Abigail for so long, being Mrs. Sorenson-Faulkner would take a bit of getting used to.

[Cara-Jean Kitchi]

Cara bowed her head at the words, they were often said to her, or at least in her direction - the judge had said the same thing at the trial - though she didn't see the need for a verbal reply, and often she wonder if being really mature was something positive or not? She guessed it was positive, as she wouldn't have been able to cope with everything that life had thrown upon her had she not been mature. Though it was a double-edged sword, as would she be as mature if she'd grown up in a normal family? She shivered again, this time not even sure herself if it was from her thoughts or the cold that seemed to seep into her very marrow.

She nodded at the question ask and pressed her lips together as she realised that she was being rude. "I shall be doing show jumping with my mare, and hunter with my gelding, Ma'am." She replied. "It is an honour to meet you, Ma'am, I shall be in both of the classes you instruct. I am called Cara." She licked her suddenly dry lips as she blinked back against spots that danced in her vision, though when she released one hand from the reins, she stopped it from lifting to her temples and just clenched it instead before taking back the reins again, she was suddenly worried that she should have addressed the woman by the name given, rather than the honourific.

She found that since she had started therapy, she was second-guessing herself more and more often, and wondered if she should just become a mute and then she wouldn't have to worry about saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, though that wouldn't work as she had been a student here for over a year and everyone knew that she spoke well, even if she spoke less and less each day.

[Abigail Sorenson-Faulkner]

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Cara, and I look forward to having you in class."

Without warning, Kit sprang forward several feet. It was certainly unexpected, and Gail couldn't think of anything to trigger it. She stayed on and did her best to not look too bewildered by the sudden attempt to do airs above the ground. The pony cross didn't appear to be malicious, and Gail certainly tried to keep her from getting bored. But, working with new horses and figuring out their quirks was one of the highlights of being a catch rider. It was a game almost to see how quickly she could read a horse and make it shine.

There were horses like her old hunter Livorno who were as easy to ride as they looked, and there were horses like Sable Star who could be total divas, but skill made it all worth it. Over the years, Gail liked to think that there wasn't a horse in the world she couldn't ride. She envied the younger version of herself who never had to worry about paychecks or debt. She envied all the students who could just focus on their riding and their studies, never having to pick between one or the other. Horseback riding became her every waking moment, and from dawn until dusk, she was on the back of a horse. There was never any time for her to get a real college education.

"Do you have any ponies of your own? Ms. Carr mentioned that she had a student to ride all the school ponies, so I'm guessing that's you."

[Cara-Jean Kitchi]

Cara bowed her head at the woman's words.

When the smaller pony beside her suddenly launched into the air, Cara tightened her hands on Ember's reins ever so slightly, just so that the Welsh/Thoroughbred didn't get any silly ideas in her head to follow the Welara's lead, as the last thing she needed was for the silver dun to demonstrate just how energetic she could be when the ride had been going so well.

When it seemed that Mrs. Sorenson-Faulkner had the mare settled again, she cued Ember to walk up and join her again. She wondered if she should offer some words of advice on the mare, but it seemed that the woman knew what she was doing, and Cara felt that any advice she could give would fall upon deaf ears, not that she would be able to say anything anyway, as this woman was one of her instructors and didn't need advice from a teenager.

She pressed her lips together as she was asked another question. "I ride two... She stopped herself before she could finish, as the ponies were hers now. "Yes, Ma'am." She began again. I have a Merens Pony mare and a Welsh gelding, who I ride for lessons" She was surprised that the manager of Kit's barn had mentioned that she rode the school ponies - obviously not by name - and she shrugged. "I am she. I... um... I guess it helps them from getting bored."

She felt herself yanked forward as Ember snatched at the reins, obviously bored of the slow passage that the ride had taken, and she squeezed her eyes closed as she felt the pain travelling through her left shoulder and then felt as though it was on fire, but she quickly pushed this away as she sat back in the saddle, opening and closing her hands on the reins as she brought the mare's attention back to her. "Sorry." She said quickly as she felt her cheeks heat up, offering a little colour to her pale complexion.

[Abigail Sorenson-Faulkner]

Gail couldn't quite figure out the little mare. She felt completely calm as though her little frog antic never happened. She opened and closed her hands on the reins and gave alternating pressure with her legs to give Kit something to think about. She knew what she was doing even though Kit was a new mount to her.

She nodded quietly as Cara talked about the ponies she rode. Gail figured she would look completely disproportionate on a horse. As much as she wanted to keep asking questions to fill any sort of silence, Rod routinely reminded her that introverts thought a constant barrage of questions felt like being interrogated. Amazingly, silence wasn't the enemy.

When the other pony cross grabbed at the reins, Gail instictually sat back and held her own Welara steady. Two reactive ponies on a trail was something to be avoided at all costs. Gail herself gave as little of a reaction as possible knowing that her mount would feel the rider's lack of concern and thus be less likely to spook. However, one thing that didn't go unnoticed was the wince of pain.

"Don't apologize. Are you okay? That looked like it hurt."

If there was one thing Rod was always stressing when it came to teaching, it was to be aware of the students and their moods and reactions. Students were human too and should never be treated like robots. Even if that meant scrapping an entire lesson plan because everyone looked bored out of their minds, the students were always top priority in teaching.

Her expression showed only genuine concern for Cara's well-being. She wasn't a doctor of any sort, but it didn't mean she wouldn't do anything and everything within her power to make sure her students were healthy and happy.

[Cara-Jean Kitchi]

Cara caught her breath, and pushed down the rising nausea that was a common echo to pain for her, though the fire that had ignited in her shoulder seemed to remain no matter how much she tried to push it to the background. "I'm fine, thank you Ma'am." She had a feeling that those two words would be another thing that would be a long time in changing when asked about her well-being. "It was my fault for not paying enough attention to my mount." She pressed her lips together, knowing that no matter what else she said, it would come out wrong. She just wasn't programmed to make excuses for things she knew she could have done better.

Now that they had company, Cara knew that she needed to keep her mind on the trail ahead of her. At least when it had just been her and Ember, it didn't matter if her mind was a million miles away, because it was only her she was putting at risk, because her mind was never too distant that she wasn't aware of her mount, though now she knew that she couldn't risk letting her mind wander because she couldn't chance the mare throwing another tantrum - like she just had - and setting off Kit.

She made sure to keep the mare between her legs as they continued down the trail. She had no problem with social graces and etiquette but she regretted her lack of social skills, as communication would never be a strong point for her. After fourteen years of being expected to remain silent, she didn't see her future being any different. These thoughts once again took her back to that day's session with her therapists. Yes, she was on the path of recovery as far as her eating habits went, but she didn't think that she would ever be fully fixed as she didn't know how one would start to repair a broken psyche. And really, what she needed to focus on in the here and now, was getting her place back on the gymnastics team. And to do that, she needed to convince both Coach Hoefflin and her doctors that she was indeed on the mend and would continue moving in that direction.

[Abigail Sorenson-Faulkner]

----
Though Gail knew some people gave stock answers to deflect concern, she didn't feel comfortable letting this one go so easily. People didn't wince when things were fine. She wanted to be the sort of teacher who made students look forward to her class, so she couldn't let the students become just another face in the crowd.

"You sure? You're a good rider, and I trust you know your pony."

From her previous trainer, Gail knew that some people responded well to compliments. It boosted their confidence and gave the feeling that they were doing something right. Other people liked being told what they did to improve and didn't seem to mind if it sounded like the entire trip was just a giant mess. There was still a lot to learn about teaching and going from student to instructor. She lacked the experience of her trainer and the education of her husband, but she refused to let that end a new career before it even started.

At some point, Kit would need to get some real exercise. That was the real reason for Gail to ride her and the trails just provided a more interesting ride than cantering around an arena. It was pretty clear that Cara wasn't much of the sociable sort, but Gail was also hesitant to continue with exercising Kit until she knew the girl was really alright. Rod said she was a mother hen, but she just saw it as being a caring person.

[Cara-Jean Kitchi]

Cara felt her guard go up at the compliment, though she didn't give any outward appearance of it, she just didn't trust them from people she didn't know - or really from those she did either. "I thank you for your kind words, Ma'am." She said. I swear that I will be fine." She added as an afterthought, and her words were true enough, as long as she didn't throw up.

Cara's mind was at work, thinking of all the things she needed to do in the barn when she returned with Ember, just to keep her away from Blue House. While she loved the sanctuary of her room, and the knowledge that he would never enter it again, since the decorations had gone up, she avoided the building unless she had to be in there. Just when she thought she'd got her anxiety all under control, all it had taken was for her to step into the common room and everything had crashed on top of her and she had exited the room as quickly as possible. She also searched her brain for things she could say to the woman riding with her, though anything she thought of was banished before it could be spoken, as another part of her training had been all about being seen and not heard, so striking up a conversation with an adult was a punishable offense. At least Ember seemed to have removed whatever was getting to her and she was walking along quite nicely now, though her flicking ears gave away that she was waiting for a cue from the other mare as an excuse to act up - and Cara was ever so thankful that the mare didn't nip as she wouldn't put it past Ember to instigate the whole thing.

[Abigail Sorenson-Faulkner]

As much as she wanted to reach out and hug the small girl, Gail forced herself to be okay with Cara's answer. It was impossible to force people to talk and spill worries if they didn't want to. Sometimes, quiet people just wanted space and time to think through their problems. Not everyone wanted to talk through them aloud.

"Alright, Cara. I believe you."

There was still Rabbit to ride, and Gail was interested in seeing how Daredevil jumped. Then she had to make sure her husband was still doing alright and find out if he needed anything. She also wanted to start working more seriously on exercises for the hunter and jumper classes and trying to memorize class rosters. Being a teacher was hard work. All the riders came from different backgrounds, and she wanted to see how they all rode before making more tailored lessons. Of course, everyone had their own strengths and weaknesses, so a challenging exercise for one rider might be a cake walk for another.

"I enjoyed meeting you, Cara, but I should probably head back. Take care of yourself, and I'll see you in class."

They were just getting farther and farther from campus, and Gail didn't have time to waste the whole day on a trail ride. She pulled Kit to a halt so Cara and Ember could have some space. The girl wasn't terribly chatty, so the silence likely wasn't going to bother her.

Gail turned Kit around and asked for a trot. There were a few places safe enough to canter back along the trail, but Katherine was not kidding when she said it was for advanced riders. For that matter, Gail wasn't even sure she knew the name of this trail. Something she should have asked the student, but it was probably also on her campus map back in the apartment. Maybe she should have asked for a more detailed map of the trail systems. That could have been helpful. She slowed her pony cross back to a walk as they re-entered the tree cover.

[Cara-Jean Kitchi]

Cara lifted a questioning eyebrow, not quite sure if she believed the woman's words or not, but she wasn't stupid enough to question them, or even give a verbal reply to that. As thanking her, would give away that her words weren't true as she wanted to make them sound. After all, there wasn't a lot the adult could do for the pain in her shoulder anyway, it was something that had kind of always been there.

She bowed her head as the woman bid her farewell. "It has been an honour, Ma'am." She replied. "I bid you an enjoyable day." She continued walking the mare along the trail and once all she could hear was the wind between the trees and the mare's own footfalls, she urged the pony to go faster and faster until she knew that they needed to slow down.

She shivered as the pony was trotting along the trail, and she knew that it was now time that they headed back to the barns. Ember had had a good run and she'd had a chance to try and clear her thoughts, though they still raced unceasingly through her head, each tripping over the other as she tried to sort one out from the other.

When they reached the barn, she kicked her feet free of the stirrups, swung her leg over the mare's back and slid to the ground. She knew that it was inevitable that she was going to end up on the ground so she did nothing to try and stop it and with a sigh she shook away the spots that were dancing in her vision, picked herself up and walked Ember into the barn, not even looking around to see if anyone had seen her. She knew that the only time she would really need to worry was if she had trouble rising afterward, but she didn't see that as being a happening thing as she led the mare down to the grooming box and swapped the bridle for halter and attached the cross-ties.